waiheke and star wars

May 20, 2002

Went offline there for a while -- my CSS styles were a little wanting. Simplified the design -- got rid of the three columns, sticking to sensible classic two column layout.

Dateline: Auckland. Memo to all: no matter how good an idea you or your friends might think, it is never a good idea to catch a ferry to Waiheke Island after a particularly hard night drinking. It is, however, an exceptionally good idea to get off at Devonport "just in case", and spend the afternoon perusing the secondhand bookshops and eating yummy hot food which makes your tummy feel less like an aviary.

It is also a very good idea indeed to check out The Flight of the Conchords, a very funny digi-bongo-funk-folk band based around Messrs. Bret Mackenzie and Jermaine Clement. I cannot stress this enough : you MUST see this act soon. Now, in fact, before they head off to Edinburgh in August.

Whether Attack of the Clones is a good idea or not remains to be seen. Parts of it were excellent -- the Jedi taking on hundreds of droids and Geonosians made my gonads particularly tingly -- but the franchise has yet to reach the heady heights of The Empire Strikes Back. It also features the worst ever line ever said in a New Zealand accent. There's a reason why there's such a thing as "cultural cringe" in New Zealand -- it's because our accent sounds like a load of arse.

Sidenote: the finest moment in Empire was when Han was about to be frozen in carbonite: 

Realizing what is about to happen, Chewie lets out a wild
howl and attacks the stormtroopers surrounding Han. Within
seconds, other Imperial reinforcements join the scuffle,
clubbing the giant Wookiee with their laser weapons. From the
instant of Chewie's first move, Threepio begins to scream in
panic while he tries to protect himself with his one arm.
  
  THREEPIO: Oh, no! No, no, no! Stop, Chewbacca, stop...!

The stormtroopers are about to bash Chewie in the face.

  HAN: Stop, Chewie, stop! Do you hear me? Stop!

  THREEPIO: Yes, stop, please! I'm not ready to die.

Han breaks away from his captors. Vader nods to the guards
to let him go and the pirate breaks up the fight.

  HAN: Chewie! Chewie, this won't help me. Hey!

Han gives the Wookiee a stern look.

  HAN: Save your strength. There'll be another time. The princess -- you
  have to take care of her. You hear me?

Han winks at the Wookiee, who wails a doleful farewell.
In a flash the guards have slipped binders on Chewbacca,
who is too distraught to protest. Han turns to Princess Leia.
They look sorrowfully at one another, then Han moves toward
her and gives her a final, passionate kiss.

  LEIA: I love you!

  HAN: I know.  

Note to George Lucas: just 'cos you can make a character CGI, doesn't mean you should. Chewbacca was never CG, and he exhibits more passion and emotion in this scene than Jar Jar ever will.

A note on that "Rainbow" script If you're of a certain age, you're bound to remember Rainbow, with Zippy, Bungle, George, Paul, Ringo and of course Ryk ("with a silent 'P" -- ha ha!). I may be mixing shows up there, but bear with me nonetheless.

You may have also recieved an email, purporting to be an "actual" excerpt from an "actual" script from an "actual" episode of Rainbow. It starts like this, and moves downhill fast:

The sketch opens with Zippy peeling a banana.....

  Zippy: "One skin, two skin, three skin, four"
  George: "Zippy, where is Bungle?"
  Zippy: "I think Geoffrey is trying to get him up"
  We see a view of the door and hear Bungle moaning from behind it.
  Bungle: "Geoffrey, I can't get it in"
  Geoffrey: "You managed it last night"
  Bungle: "I know, lets try it round the otherway. Ooooooh, I've got it in"  

Not exactly comedy gold, but slightly better written than Mr. Bean, at any rate.

The email contains a link to a video clip, later in the sketch, where there is some world-class punnage based on "twangers". Another golden classic!

I did a bit of ratting around today, and found that it was a piss-take the Rainbow cast did for the show's Christmas party in 1978. Someone must have kept a copy of it, and has been shown on TV Offal in the UK in the last few years.

There is also a sound clip of this particular section on the site which hosted the Real Video file, where you'll also find a clip of Zippy and Bungle swearing with Jim Davidson on some game show as well.

I think this one can go next to Captain Pugwash's "Master Bates" and "Roger the Cabin Boy" in the Urban Legend hall of fame.

Winston Peters can bite my shiny metal ass.

Posted by davidr at May 20, 2002 11:13 AM